Is it fear, failure or a commitment problem.
Last night as tears fell down my face my husband and I talked about babies, again. I (think) I want one or seven. While Mother's Day is about my mom and how great she is, my sisters and friends who got breakfast in bed....it is also a reminder that I do not have children.
I am afraid! With all excuses aside...(ex. no ovaries, no money) I (we) are faced with having to make the decision not letting nature take it's coarse.
Adoption, artificial insemination, surrogate, hanging out in Nebraska near a hospital(Safe Haven) are some options.
People like Octo-freak-mom upset me! Sites like THIS make me so sad. Thoughts of being a psycho wife on meds makes me scared. I think people like me fall in the cracks of societal needs. There isn't enough government funding for people who really want kids, can not have them or can not afford them. <-- Meaning the cost of adoption.
I hang out at Mom Blogs, but I don't have kids. (I'm pretty sure that is o.k.) If I want to meet ladies in my age group give or take 5 years I have no choice. I can't start a blog "Not a mom,want to be a mom, but until then...I'm going to hang out with you."
Now, I need to face my Fear? My possible FAILURE? Or My COMMITMENT problem. I am putting it out there ultimately to make me deal with these emotions that are festering within. I think I need help. Not Dr.Phil.... I need real people, real stories with real emotions.
Well, there you have it. I'm a mess. I am just like so many of you out there. It is so much easier to talk about a photo or the daily activities, but I needed to do this.
Sorry, I know this is one of those post that you would rather avoid commenting because it's a slippery slope. (LOL, it really isn't...)
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28 comments:
not an easy post to verbalize, i'm sure. you summed it up best with "...just like so many of you out there."
[[[hugs]]]
Ann, I am here for you. I say come on by any time and hang out. You can even e-mail me. I love meeting new friends. Come on by. I am so in your giveaway. Love it. I am glad you were able to get it all out. Thanks for sharing something so hard.
I clicked on you from Call Me Cate's blog. I'm of course going to enter the fantastic giveaway but I also read this post. It's so honest, which I really appreciate.
Here's how I see it. Fear is part of parenting. I wrote a blog post about this recently which you should under no circumstances feel obligated to read :) but here's a link to it if you're interested. My fears aren't necessarily the same as yours. The type of fear changes from person to person, but it seems most of us as moms, or as women considering motherhood, seem to have fear of one sort or another.
I'm not saying we should just live with the fear; I think we grow as we learn to get past it (or at least some of it.) What I am saying is that you don't need to be fearless to become a mother. If you're fearless the 99% of us who are afraid, will just think you are showing off. ;)
You'd be surprised. There are plenty of people in your boat. Two good friends of mine are childless not by choice. One has gone the fertility route and essentially given up at this point. One has been married just over a year and had two miscarriages and is currently trying again. There are lots out there.
That and... the grass is always greener.
You need to sit. Be Quiet. Still your mind. Wait.............
then listen - shhhhhh it's there. You already have the answer. You are getting wrapped up in the decision, the process, the emotion. STOP. Quiet your mind so your heart can talk
Oh, dear. I have one ovary and the other is blocked (endo really bad etc). I have the same fears and that's why I haven't had any kids(I'm 33). I shut off my heart long ago, so at this point I don't feel any feelings about this matter. I don't even talk about. Should I have one, or try, or not? Should I adopt, the money is an issue and I always promised myself I'd never bring a child into this world without the means to do so. I have the means to have one on my own, but not to adopt. So, what do I do? I don't know. I think you should do what Jules said and let your heart talk, but I bet if you are the same as me...it's too difficult to do that, too?
I hope you figure it out.
((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
I am here if you ever need to talk. I can feel your pain and frustration through the post, and my heart goes out to you.
I can relate. Scott and I will be adopting. We have been saving for over 5 years and will continue to save.
I will keep you in my thoughts. I know there isn't much I can say to make you feel better, but just know that you are not alone.
I want to give you a hug! I hate how the system is set up that good, deserving people have such a difficult time becoming parents.
And freaks, and weirdos, and people who are children themselves are able to have baby after baby!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're in my prayers.
Thanks for sharing with us Ann. My thoughts are with you! Sending big Blog hugs over the net :)
I'm praying for you... I'm a single girl who wants kids SO bad...I know the grass is always greener and I know having kids is hard, but... I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!
I can only begin to imagine the emotions you are battling with. *big hugs* I hope the answer comes to you and your husband soon. Plus, you can always take two routes and see which one gets there sooner.
I am not a mom. I hang out at mom blogs, but I am always thrilled to find someone with more in common with me. You are in my thoughts and my prayers. You are not a failure. You're dealing with one of the challenges God set in front of you for you to overcome. Its OK to be scared. If you're meant to have kids in one way or another, it will happen in God's time. Doesn't help the feelings though. Hang in there!!!
thank you for sharing - it must have been very difficult for you. hugs :)
this couldnt of been easy for you and I am so so sorry.(((hugs))))
I'm sorry you're hurting Ann.
We anguish with you. Pray-God knows what's in your heart. You will make wonderful parents-it will happen. MEXO
I share Aunt of 14's thoughts: if you're meant to have kids, it will happen one way or another, that's all there is to it. Hugs to you in the meantime, my lovely ... xxx
I have three kids but I had two high risks pregnancy which was very scary..one of them The child and I almost died...fertility, adoption and surrogate moms can be very costly...If I was you I would look into a foster care Agency. My Mom was a foster mom to my lil bro and she got him at 6wks old..She didnt pay a cent for him she just had to do foster mom training..then she adopted him. You can look into that. Youcan get a baby and adopt them and not have to pay...Good Luck!!!!
Being the mom of a child who can't have kids (My son is sterile) I can understand your dilemma. He and his wife are going through the same things and have the same questions. It is so hard dealing with the emotional issues and then facing the practical issues about opportunity and the cost. They still haven't come to any decisions...and I find that they would prefer we offer no advice and don't talk about it. It only upsets them more. So I sit and pray for them...and all of the couples like them, who fight this devastating issue. I wish there was a way for all the amazing would-be parents to get the chance to have a family. And for those children out there who need loving homes to have the chance to find them. It is one of the things that tears at my heart the most. I'm so sorry you're going through this too. I'll keep you in my prayers.
You poor thing. That's a lot of emotion all rolled up in one post. Take your time... weigh your options... and trust that what is meant to be will be :)
I applaud you for sharing this. I'm having some similar things and haven't wrapped my head around them enough to even try to express my thoughts.
It sure ain't easy.
Oh Ann,
You found me on SIT's and I am so glad you did. Thank you for posting this it is real honest and from your heart. Not sure if you are a runner or not but two friends of mine are involved with Running Hope http://www.runninghope.org/
One of them has adopted two girls one from the US and one abroad. I know Running Hope helps you set up a way to raise funds to help with adoption costs you should check them out.
Most importantly pray. I have been married for 13 years this May. My husband & I were married for 10 years before we had our daughter. I was 100% convinced I was not mom material. I didn't want anything to change our relationship. We both had divorced parents and I didn't want that to happen to us. I needed to give up that control and hold of fear to God. It took a few years of praying to be open to the idea of what if God wanted us to have children. And then when I worked through what I needed to my heart changed and I did a 360. I now have a 3 year old daughter, Liberty Grace and a 1 year old son, Maverick Isaiah. God's timing is perfect and he knows when your heart will be ready. I am so comfortable with my skin as a mom and I never would oh thought I could be a mom before God worked in me. I say all this to say God is always bigger than our fears and he knows our heart, hopes and dreams. Thank you for sharing.
Ann you can hang out with me all you want hon.
Try not to over think everything. No one has all the answers all the time. But never let fear stop you from what your heart desires.
I had a terrible first pregnancy, good second and then a miscarriage and made the decision to have no more, total complete fear. God felt differently and we had number 3. Then 2 more miscarriages, total failure, and I was done forever. Along came number 4. Can we afford them, not by some peoples standards, but we do anyway. I only wanted one child but after having him and seeing the commitment from my husband and me to him, oh yeah the more the merrier. Fear, failure, commitment, been there, most of us have.
Hang in there! You know your heart!
Thank you for sharing. Like you I have no kids. When I was younger I didn't want any. As I got closer to 40 I started changing my mind. I am now 42 and my time is running out. It's not that we are not trying! I had a miscarriage three years ago and that was a shock. I didn't even know I was pregnant.
I was talking to one of my girlfriends and she reminded me that when we were younger safe sex was drilled into our heads. Fear of getting pregnant at a young age was not part of the plan. So we practiced safe sex. Then you meet the right guy and you want to have children. It takes longer than you imagine. But eventually it will happen. It did happen to her, she had two beautiful girls. It hasn't happend to me yet but I am running out of time. Maybe it will happen maybe it won't. If it does I will embrace it. If it doesnt' maybe it wasn't meant to be. I will cherish what I have with my husband.
aww poor Ann. You know that when the time is right, you will have a baby. or seven.
I'm adopted... So I LOVE people who provide that for others!
Believe me, you are NOT alone! There are so many women out there in your boat who struggle with fertility. Have you ever visited ovusoft.com? They have a fabulous message board with an entire section for women who are trying to conceive. It took 3 years for my husband and I to have our first and only pregnancy, so I do get it. Looking back that was probably the hardest time in my life. Hang in there! God does have a plan for you and your husband.
Have you looked into whether there is a fost-adopt program in your area? That is the best way for people with limited funds to adopt, you just have to be open to a possibly older child.
I have heard this about adopted children: You were born in my heart, not my belly. I just think that is so sweet!
It will happen when and if it is in God's plan for you. But you musn't just wait for God to do all the work. Investigate your options, meditate on what you truly want and pray, pray, pray for wisdom and guidance.
Be still and know that I am God~ Psalm 46:10
Not in the earthquake or devouring flame,
But in the hush that could all fear transform,
The still, small whisper to the prophet came.
Oh soul, keep silence on the mount of God!
Though cares and needs throb around like a sea
From supplication and desires unshod,
Be still and hear what God shall say to thee.
~Mary Rowles Jarvis
Blessings to you, Ann
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